Thursday, December 3, 2009

Christmas Party

 Company Memo
FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO:         All Employees 
DATE:    October 1, 2008 
RE:       Gala Christmas Party 

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. 

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along..  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus

Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.  

This gathering is only for employees! 

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! 

Merry Christmas to you and your family, 

Company Memo
FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO:         All Employees 
DATE:    October 2, 2008 
RE:       Gala Holiday Party 

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.  

However, from now on,  we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.  

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. 

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. And yes,kosher foods will be provided and separated from the other trays.

Happy now? 

Happy Holidays to you and your family, 

Company Memo
FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO:        All Employees 
DATE:   October 3, 2008 
RE:         Holiday Party 

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name..  

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that  reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this? 


And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. 



Company Memo
FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director 
To:        All Employees 
DATE:   October 4, 2008 
RE:        Generic Holiday Party 

What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20thbegins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.  

There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work? Will that make you happy? 

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. 

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. 

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently they've had past problems of confusion and shock in the restrooms.  Sorry. 

We will have booster seats for short people. 

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. 

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. 

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry! 

Did I miss anything?!?!? 

Company Memo
FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO:         All ******* Employees 
DATE:    October  5, 2008 
RE:         The ******* Holiday Party 

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your **%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.  

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW! 

The rest of you **%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday! 

Drive drunk and die, 

The B***h from H*ll!!! 

Company Memo
FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director 
DATE:   October  6, 2008 
RE:       Patty Lewis and Holiday Party 

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards and letters to her at the asylum. 

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. 

Happy Whatever! 

Submitted by: Jim Wagner


Anonymous said...



good one ;-))

Kathy Meeh said...

In our efforts to become less bigoted, this is a very cute post for the Season. Wish the text had been condensed some, a friend lost track in the read.