What do former San Francisco Giants baseball All Star left fielder and potential Hall of Famer Barry Bonds and the City of Pacifica have in common? Both are under investigation by their respective regulatory agencies for the usage of performance altering drugs.
In the case of Bonds, the drug in question is the Human Growth Hormone (HGH). Bonds is currently under investigation by the Baseball Commissioner’s office for rule violations pertaining to the usage of HGH, as well as anabolic steroids. Both are considered performance enhancing drugs by the league office. Additionally, Bonds has been indicted in Federal Court for both perjury and obstruction of justice in relation to his Grand Jury testimony regarding his steroid usage. The disposition of his alleged drug usage will most definitely have an affect on Bond’s future status vis-à-vis his induction into baseball’s coveted Hall of Fame.
In the case of Pacifica, the drug in question is an anti growth hormone, code named by the seedy underbelly of the drug trade as simply “NO”. This drug was first popularized in the 1980s in an effort to prolong the declining careers of Hollywood child stars Gary Coleman and Emmanuel Lewis. It wasn’t until 1996 that EPA scientists discovered that the hormone could also be adapted to stunt the growth of environmentally obsessed municipalities. Enter Pacifica...
In 1996, a renegade group of Pacifica environmentalists and pharmaceutical specialists who called themselves Pacifican’s for Steroidal Deployment (PSD), first started dispensing “NO” to the City’s elected officials and administrative staff with the intent of reversing population, business and housing growth trends. Today, the City finds itself embroiled in an investigation under the auspices of its governing body, The League of California Cities. The charge: the illegal usage of performance altering drugs. The investigation is being conducted by the League’s own Subcommittee on Destitute City Desperate Measures (DCDM). Coincidentally, DCDM Chairman Joseph Tanner was the former City Manager of Pacifica during the 2003-2008 timeframe.
According to Tanner, it would be virtually impossible for a City whose location is directly adjacent to the bustling metropolis of San Francisco to actually experience a decline in population from the monitored period of 1978 through 2009 without the usage of some type of anti growth enhancing drug. Tanner further reflected, “The population of Pacifica in 1978 was 40,000 people. In 2009, the population is 39,000 people. You do the math…”. Tanner is particularly upset at Pacifica’s newly designated ranking as first in a long line of cities seeking financial assistance from the League’s Destitute City Fund. According to Tanner, now the City Manager of the bankrupt City of Vallejo, “We [Vallejo] have always played by the rules. We always stayed within the legal bounds of sound financial mismanagement, i.e., driving profitable, tax paying businesses out of the City while at the same time increasing the salaries and benefits of City officials and staff. But Pacifica doesn’t care about the rules. They have leapfrogged to the head of the soup line through their systematic abuse of illegal substances. They cheated - plain and simple. It just isn’t fair!”
We have attempted to reach PSD spokesperson and kingpin Johnny “No-No” Curtins for comment, but he has ignored our phone calls.
Posted by: Rocky Roads